listening

After analyzing marriages including my own, those around me, and the divorce of my parents I've always had the theory that everyone goes through phases through marriage. Sometimes they might be ugly phases but if you remember it's just a phase than you can get through anything. However upon discussing with a friend our parents struggling marriages at work Tuesday my stance has further evolved, we decided that a better key would be to be willing to listen you your spouse. When TJ and I were fist married I realized some of my own faults and it brought me great sorrow. Than for a while whenever TJ would point out a fault I would get really mad and say something to hurt him. Finally I realized he is incapable of saying hurtful things and started to listen.

For example one day we were walking his brothers dog (in my defense I have trained many a dog how to walk), this dog will pull you into a run for about 2 miles but we were walking so I kept teaching her to walk by pulling on her collar when she ran and telling her she was a good girl when she walked by me, than we walked by some friends/neighbors and TJ starts to look in their front window. I am mortified, you don't look in peoples windows!!! So I tell him "Don't look in their window" to which he responds "oh they are waving" and waves back. I was raised not to look into peoples windows sure I'm curious and maybe as I drive by I will quickly glance but you just don't stare as you stroll by! Afterward, TJ pointed out that I might be a bit controlling citing the dog and my telling him what to do, granted I will say there is truth to that statement, I was mad but I listened and I really am trying to apply it. This past Sunday I did something again I can't remember what but he pointed out that I was telling him what to do again and I remembered my commitment to listen and change. Anyway my point is not that we should go around pointing out each others faults but be willing to listen with an open heart when our spouse is trying to tell us something.

So many times I used to look back and think maybe if my mom hadn't divorced my dad they would have gotten through it, but then I remember my dad at that time, he's a great man but I would say he was going through a phase back then, a little bossy, a little strict, and he didn't really consult with my mom about big decisions which his now wife has set him straight on. If my mom just could have said to my dad in a loving manner "you're being a little bossy" and he could have said "you're right" well they wouldn't have had to split their lives in two and both would have been saved a lot of pain. One of the other keys to all of this is to be trustable and full of love in what you say to your spouse, with intentions of communication not to hurt them. TJ is good at pointing it out and dropping it, I on the other hand can point it out and an hour later bring up further evidence, which is generally unnecessary. Anyway I'm not an expert on marriage but I'm against divorce for petty things and like I said this is my observation and understanding thus far of the things I've experienced and know.